In the confusing and exhausting daze that has been 2020, time has warped. Days turn to weeks seemingly without division, weeks to months before realizing what month it even is, and the seasons have flowed together in a strangely seamless way.
Autumn is probably my favorite season and I look forward to it every year. The air gets colder and the days get shorter, as the angle of the sunlight lowers and lengthens. Beautiful colors slowly sweep across the treetops. Things seem to get more peaceful as people get ready for winter, and I reset myself every year at this same time as I notice these things happening. I typically find myself reading or sitting to listen to music more often, relaxing with a glass of wine and a fire in the fireplace, and other activities that start to slow things down for a chance to reflect. Maybe that’s why autumn is my favorite season…it slowly sweeps in and creates the perfect atmosphere to think and reflect on a personal level. It creates a sense of inner peace that comes easily to me at this time of year.
This year however, autumn snuck up on me. I’ve been getting chores completed that I need to finish before it gets cold, but I was never really thinking “autumn” while doing them. Then last week, the time warp that I mentioned above ended for me. We were driving up to visit my son at college and I looked out the window while driving past a cliff on the side of the highway. Draping over the side of this perfectly vertical cliff and running forty feet down its face to the ground were different varieties of vines, each one a different color. There were reds, oranges, yellows, greens, browns, and blends of colors of all different intensities. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. It was at that moment that I said to myself “Wait, it’s autumn already!”
The rest of the ride was completely different after that. I noticed that the leaves on many different types of trees are changing fast here in southern New York, and many are even dropping already from the windy days we’ve had recently. My favorite season is upon me, and I plan to enjoy the rest of it.
Things are different this year though. Many autumn traditions that we like to do to get outdoors and enjoy the autumn splendor have been canceled. No Oktoberfests, no craft shows, no music festivals. Fortunately, at least the mountains themselves are still open so we can take some hikes, get some fresh air, and enjoy the slow slide into the colder months. We’ll try to do that in the coming few weeks before we wake up and suddenly find snow on the ground!
The pandemic has changed all of us and the way we look at certain things. One way it has changed me is how I think about and use my time. I’m more selective about the things I spend time on, and I’m thinking and reflecting more. I’ve also found that the current situation has re-awakened some of the interests that I’ve always enjoyed, but sometimes don’t have much spare time for. I have that time now and for the foreseeable future, and I will pursue them again. Things like sitting down in a quiet room to read a book or listening to a favorite jazz album start to finish, uninterrupted by anything. Even something as simple as sitting outside on our patio, watching the leaves fall and listening to the wind blow through the trees.
We have time for these things now. Use it to find yourself again.
It’s a gift to you and the one talking; mindful listening is so fundamentally different from how we usually converse that we can feel it in our bodies as much as in our heads.
Laurie J. Cameron
Mindful listening requires us to give up preconceived ideas, judgments, and desires in order to allow space to hear what is being said. True listening requires a deep respect and a genuine curiosity about situations as well as a willingness just to be there and share stories. Listening opens the space, it allows us to hear what needs to be done in that moment.
I bumped into a colleague in the hallway at work who was seeking me out to ask a question. We greeted each other and he asked his question, and then I began to answer him. Remember…he sought me out as a trusted source of information, so this was supposedly an important discussion for him.
Shortly after I began to answer, he took his cell phone out of his pocket and started reading and then typing something on the phone. I looked at him in shock (and maybe disappointment too?), but dismissed it thinking he’d quickly return to paying attention. Wrong. He continued to type and read on the phone.
In disbelief at this waste of my time, I stopped speaking and just looked at him. It took at least five long seconds of awkward silence for him to finally look up and say “It’s OK. I’m listening. You can keep talking.”
I responded with mildly shrouded sarcasm “No, it’s fine. I’ll wait until you’re done.”
Realizing the error of his ways, he sheepishly tucked the phone back in his pocket and proceeded to listen attentively to the rest of the answer to his question.
Has anything like that ever happened to you? Or, has a conversation that you’ve had ended with less than optimal results? I would bet the answer is yes, and if so then read on to learn how you can contribute to improving your conversations through mindful listening and at the same time help to steer them to successful outcomes.
Art and desire
Listening is part art and part desire.
It’s an art because mindful listening requires a thoughtful combination of skill, timing, and restraint so as not to derail the true messages that are being communicated. It involves reading body language and recognizing things like the nuances of facial expressions or a pause in speaking. It’s about keeping an open mind to what’s being said and responding accordingly to it in the moment. From a visual perspective, if you could see a conversation with mindful listening in the air, then I would liken it to a series of colored lines between the people speaking that all weave together into a pleasing and intricate pattern. It’s a good feeling to walk away from a conversation like that.
Mindful listening also involves desire because in order for a conversation to be successful, you have to care about what you’re saying and you need the desire to listen and understand what the other person is expressing. If you don’t care and you have no desire to listen, then the conversation is pointless and it will fail.
There are piles of books and training courses available about effective mindful listening, but honestly all you really need to easily get started is this short article “How To Give Your Full Attention” by Laurie J. Cameron over at Mindful.org. For additional easy tips on trying this, you can also check out this short article by Elaine Smookler.
Laurie speaks about some core skills and cues needed for successful listening, and I agree with her that these things are sorely lacking in many conversations that occur each day. Many people simply don’t or can’t focus enough to listen to a basic conversation in order to make it productive and successful for everyone involved.
Three key points
Three things that I would like to briefly emphasize about listening include:
1. Be honest about your skills and behavior: Some people think they’re good listeners, but they’re simply not. When trying to understand why your conversations are not going as well as expected, be honest with yourself to understand what you might be doing that hobbles them. Listen to the feedback that people give you during or after a conversation. Learn from your experiences and be honest with yourself so you can improve.
2. Pay attention to body language. I can’t stress this enough…Look at the person you’re speaking with, acknowledge what they’re saying, be present in the moment, put your phone away, be silent when they’re speaking, and don’t interrupt. Body language and overall conduct is absolutely critical to mindful listening.
3. Keep an open mind. A large percentage of the time, people go into conversations with a desired outcome in mind, and that’s understandable. That’s how we move our topics, work, and activities forward. However, it’s important to understand that taking that stance typically predetermines a lot of how the conversation will flow, and often that predisposition is not a good thing because you’re not really going to listen to the other person if you’ve already decided how the conversation will proceed. Instead of predisposition, it’s necessary to achieve balance between keeping an open mind and being flexible while still achieving purpose.
Sum it up
The benefits of mindful listening can’t be overstated. For both your personal and professional lives, this form of listening creates better communication, empathy, trust, respect, and strong bonds between people. Many aspects of society today are sorely lacking these things, so we should all do our part to improve our corner of the world through mindful listening.
I agree with Laurie that mindful listening can initially be challenging because it takes effort and it’s not the norm we’re used to. However with a little practice, the labor of doing it will soon bear fruit for you. A successful conversation is certainly better than a frustrating and pointless one, so give it a try the next time you’re speaking with someone. Truly…listen. See if you notice the great improvement that mindful listening can bring to your every day interactions at both work and home. And also see if you think the quote below is true…
The very first time you give your attention to someone, I bet you’ll notice instant softening, openness, and connection.
Folks are usually about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
A trip to the mall uncovers small wonders
I was Christmas shopping at the mall in December 2019 when I came across what turned out to be my favorite gift idea of the year. It was the four books pictured here about mindfulness, gratitude, and self-awareness. I sat engrossed in Barnes & Noble bookstore for over an hour paging through them while deciding which one to buy, and in the end I just bought them all!
These little books are packed with many of the same ideas that drive me on a personal level, so it was easy to relate to them. They’ve since found a permanent place on our fireplace mantle.
Everyone grows during their lifetime. Our learning and experiences drive our change, and we become more of who we want to be as a person as our viewpoints mature over time. In the past few years, I’ve changed in many ways that other people might not even notice, but for sure my thinking about people, things, places, and life in general have shifted. I’m striving to have more simplicity and goodness around me, and less complexity and negative outside influence. These books directly relate to my goals.
I’m on a path to eliminate anything in my life that doesn’t take me in the direction I want to go. Interpersonal drama, chaotic people, constantly negative news, etc. All…gone! Realizing that they add no value to my life and then moving on from them helps get me to my desired state of “goodness”. Anything that helps me move in the direction I want is something that I make a part of my life, and I want to share those things with others when I discover them.
If you read and really think about what these books are saying, you’ll be surprised that they can change the way you look at your life, and maybe even how you look at life in a broader sense as well.
The focus of this post today is one of these four books, The Little Book of Hygge – Danish Secrets to Happy Living by Meik Wiking.
Hygge concepts, plus some additional perspective
The Danish have been ranked as the happiest people on Earth several times. Why? They say it’s partially because of their hygge mindset.
Hygge (pronounced hoo-ga) is generally defined as “a Danish word for a mood of coziness and comfortable conviviality with feelings of wellness and contentment”. The Little Book of Hygge mentions that hygge is a feeling. It is comfort. It comes from within. It exists only in the absence of stress and nuisance and feeds off feelings of happiness and relaxation.
The book, and Danes themselves, often mention candles and other items that will help you achieve hygge. In my opinion though, anything that makes you comfortable, happy, and peaceful can lead you to what hygge is ultimately about. If sitting in the woods gives you feelings of comfort and contentment, then maybe that can be your “chair” or your “candle” in relation to the book, so don’t focus entirely on the products mentioned and expect miracles from them. Know yourself, and use whatever works for you.
Interestingly, I’ve read several articles that examine hygge from the Danish perspective and how they react to the worldwide phenomenon of people trying to adopt a more “hygge lifestyle”, and they somewhat recoil about it. They view what happens around the global hygge phenomenon as general “marketing exploitation” of their lifestyle.
In a way, they’re right. There are always people and companies that will try to make quick money any way they can, and if they can do it from selling so-called “hygge lifestyle products”, then they will. So the point of the Danish reaction is: You don’t buy candles, warm blankets, light a fire, get a hot drink….and then automatically have “hygge moments”. Hygge is much more than that.
I agree completely. It’s a mindset, not a product.
These are links to two articles from New Yorker magazine and Mashable.com that speak about what I mentioned above, and both are worth reading to get different insight into the topic of hygge.
There are typically multiple viewpoints about all lifestyle topics, and you have to pull out the things that you see value in to adopt them for yourself.
So let’s get to the book…
The Little Book of Hygge
The Little Book of Hygge was exactly what I expected after browsing it in the bookstore. It’s a light-hearted, concise, clear, and interesting book that can easily be read in one sitting (although it certainly justifies much more “thinking time” after that to fully absorb it).
Meik Wiking is the CEO of the Happiness Research Institute in Copenhagen, Denmark. Its mission is to “…inform and enable better decisions for human wellbeing through data-driven research”. I encourage you to review their website, which is filled with interesting information about their mission. To me, having facts behind the somewhat nebulous and highly personal topic of happiness is valuable so that it receives the proper level of seriousness and respect.
Meik did a good job laying out his book in way that builds upon itself nicely as you progress through it. At the broadest level, the book contains thoughts about Danish culture in general to put the book into context. There are also thoughts that are a bit deeper and make you pause and think about Danish culture versus your own culture, and the pros and cons of each. Finally, at the lowest level there are many “gold nugget” thoughts that resonate with you on a personal level which you can take away and use for yourself in an actionable way.
The book contains anecdotes and easy to understand charts and graphics that help explain the concept of hygge and present the underlying statistics about what Danes say about their country and lifestyle.
So with that introduction, here are some of the gold nuggets that I took away from The Little Book of Hygge that are worth mentioning here:
Experience and savor the moment. If you take one thing away from the book, make it this! The whole book centers on this key point.
Hygge is about atmosphere, experience, and relaxed thoughtfulness. Feeling happy, calm and safe.
Togetherness is a key aspect of hygge, and the feeling of hygge can exist even in total silence with other people. It’s “like a hug, without touching”.
Equality is an important element of hygge. Noone is trying to be better than the other.
Hygge is about the process, not the end product. There were several humorous examples in the book about people cooking together, and even though what they cooked turned out terrible, enjoying the process of doing it together was what made it a hygge experience.
Your home is your “hygge headquarters”. Create a nook for yourself there. Everyone needs “their spot” in their home.
Treat yourself with cakes, hot drinks, etc. It seems funny for the book to mention this multiple times, but it’s important to remember that hygge is all about feeling, surroundings, calmness, and peace. The idea is that things like treats, hot drinks, etc impart a traditional feeling of comfort and therefore contribute to hygge. My extra point to add here is that whatever the “treats” are, there are no rules. It’s whatever makes you comfortable, cozy, relaxed, and peaceful.
The items on the “Hygge Wish List” in the book are all about comfort, sensation, and texture. These typically represent comfort in most people’s minds.
Enjoying nature is key. For me personally, something like walking on a treadmill is nowhere near the same experience as walking outside in the fresh air for the same distance. I think people lose sight of this sometimes, and it does make a big difference in the experience.
The more a hygge item or event separates the “here and now” from the tough realities of the outside world, the more valuable it eventually becomes to you.
Hygge is dimmed, rustic, and slow. I agree, which is why I’ve always thought that lighting is so important, especially warm lighting. It’s also why I didn’t like walking around our house when I was little and always finding the rooms darkened unless someone was actually in them. Mom and Dad were always insistent about “turning off the lights when you leave a room”, and I understand why, but still…
Make hygge yours
The ideas and sentiments around hygge are good to consider adopting because they can genuinely improve your life on many levels. So how do you bring hygge into your own life and make it yours?
Try these tips:
The obvious first step would be to read the book, but I would also suggest writing down the key thoughts that resonate with you while you’re reading like I did above. It helps to grab those key thoughts in the moment rather than trying to remember them later.
Review your key takeaways as soon as you’re done reading, think about what the statements mean to you. Think about how you can make them actionable.
Think about what brings you peace. When do you feel your most relaxed, and why is that? Get a firm understanding of this because these things will help you create your hygge “nook”, and these are your hygge “products”.
Since hygge is partially about sharing and togetherness, think about the people you’re closest to and why spending time with them is valuable to you. But…I also think it’s important not to stress out about the “togetherness” aspect of this. Hygge feelings can most definitely be felt during time on your own, so if that’s what works for you, then that’s perfectly fine. Do what works for you.
Be present. Outside distractions of any type are the enemy of hygge.
Start simple. Don’t rush to buy supposed “hygge products” and then sit in your house and wait for hygge to magically occur. Instead, work your way into it. If you’re a reader, try something basic like making yourself comfortable and grabbing a block of time when you’re completely undisturbed…and read. Think about how it feels to enjoy something you like in your nook in your home without any interruptions whatsoever. As you experience and value those times by yourself or with others, you’ll begin to better understand what hygge is all about.
In closing, reading this small book is time well spent. The ideas represented by hygge are certainly not new, but having it wrapped up and presented in the framework of “the Danish mindset” makes it easy to understand and think about further. Enjoy the process of moving yourself toward a hygge mindset, but go easy on the heavy treats. 🙂
Be grateful for all of the experiences you’ve had, because they make you who you are.
Question: Can you get value from nostalgia?
What feelings come to mind when you think of nostalgia?
For me, it’s typically a mix of both happiness and sadness. I’ll often remember something nostalgic that makes me smile, laugh, or reminisce with someone, but then as the moment fades I’m sometimes left feeling a bit sad until the thought eventually passes from my mind.
Aside from the emotions above, would I typically associate “value” with nostalgia? I didn’t…until today.
The article is about natsukashii, which generally speaking is “a Japanese word used when something evokes a fond memory from your past”. Erika mentions that it comes from a verb meaning “to keep close and become fond of”.
The thing that specifically caught my attention throughout the article is how the Japanese emotionally frame nostalgia so that it ends up being a more positive experience rather than a sad one, and they regularly seek out natsukashii experiences to enrich their lives. Why? Because doing so adds great emotional value for them and their society as a whole.
Learning about different cultures
I’ve always had an interest in learning about different countries, traditions and cultures, but it’s only been in recent years that I’ve been actively spending significant time researching them. It’s been an interesting and enriching experience far beyond the effort that it requires.
Japan is a land and people filled with history and tradition, and it has kept both firmly in sight over the centuries. It’s one thing for a country and its people to have historic checkpoints over time that they make reference to one way or another, but it’s a significantly different scenario to have the past and traditions remain ingrained in daily life over time and across generations.
Between the two scenarios above, the latter offers more value because it helps people build a sense of shared identity about who they are, where they’ve come from, and where they’re collectively going. If you study countries with a strong sense of identity and community like Japan, inevitably a large part of their overall story is that sense of tradition surviving through generations and remaining in daily life. Japan has achieved this in part through concepts like natsukashii, which permeates their society.
The thing that concerns many people about the U.S. is that its sense of identity and history is sometimes getting lost, most notably over the past fifteen years or so. It seems that values and traditions are eroding, as opposed to becoming further ingrained in daily life. That’s not a good direction for long term well being, so it’s in the interest of U.S. citizens to understand that and change it.
In a way, perhaps that’s part of what subconsciously drives me to learn more about other cultures. It’s not only to satisfy my curiosity and interest about the world’s people and places, but also to consider where they’ve come from, what they value, and where that’s taking them so that I can better reflect on myself and my own country. Pursuing this type of knowledge and awareness is a strong path for personal growth, and I place great value in that.
The Japanese connection to Dad…a natsukashii moment
My Dad, who passed away in August 2019, was a video tape editor for the U.S. NBC television network for most of his career. During his time there, he worked on many great TV shows and sporting events, and he was once fortunate enough to travel to Japan to work on the 1972 Winter Olympics in Sapporo.
Dad came home from that trip with many stories about Japan and its people, culture, and traditions. While he was there he took advantage of Japan’s great reputation for photography equipment to buy a new Konica 35mm SLR and 8mm movie camera, so his stories had the added benefit of many photos and movies to go with them. We had many family movie nights where he would project his slides or 8mm movies on the screen in our darkened living room while he happily narrated about the entire trip. I remember it all vividly. I can even still remember the unique scent from the projector and its hot light bulb that eventually filled the room while we were watching. There was something comforting about it…
Even though I was only six years old at the time he went, I remember that Japan made enough of an impression on Dad for me to notice it when he got home. To this day when someone mentions Japan and Olympics together, I think back to Dad’s trip there, as well as the topics of tradition and history. If you asked Dad what his favorite experience was while working at NBC, he would quickly answer “Visiting Japan for the Olympics”.
Perhaps the essence of natsukashii is what Dad experienced when he was in Japan. He was 47 years old at the time and had a busy career, was raising four kids, traveled for work, and commuted into New York City every day. Maybe experiencing the way natsukashii runs through Japanese tradition and society gave him pause to reflect, and maybe that’s what made the overall strong impression on him. Although I can no longer ask him that question, it’s interesting to consider…
So the BBC article above made me think about nostalgia, Japan, Dad, and value…and it gave me a natsukashii moment of my own. After reading the article and doing further research about natsukashii, I better understand the real-life value that nostalgia can offer through gratitude for past experiences both joyous and sad, and I will carry that new mindset forward with me from now on.
In other words, I didn’t just remember Dad’s trip to Sapporo. In the context of Erika’s article, I felt the emotion of it too. The emotion of being sad when he left, happy when he returned, the excitement of waiting for his long distance calls to update the family, looking at the souvenirs he brought home, etc. There is value to be taken from all of that because it’s the deeper aspect of it. Although we were thousands of miles apart while he was there, it was still an experience that we shared together. We each had our own very different perspective about it, and I felt all of that after reading and considering Erika’s article.
How to make the natsukashii concept yours
So what does this mean to you? How can you make the natsukashii concepts from Erika’s article and my comments here your own?
Ultimately, it seems to me that the value of natsukashii is about “feeling, sharing and valuing”, instead of simply “remembering”. I’ll be writing a lot on this blog about personal mindfulness, but in a nutshell that’s what you have to do. Be more mindful and intentional, and think more deeply about what you’re remembering.
When you want to try digging further into the feelings of a nostalgic moment, try considering the following:
How does it make me feel? Which emotions?
Is what I’m remembering happy, sad, both, neither?
Who were the people I shared it with?
What do the people mean to me? Why do I value them?
How did that time/experience/event affect me? Why?
Be grateful for all of the experiences you’ve had, because they make you who you are.
There’s an endless list of questions that I could list here as prompts, and you can come up with your own too. The goal of all of them is to make you…feel. When you feel is when you move from simply remembering something to a more intentional, mindful and emotional appreciation of that moment. It’s at that point when you’ll find added value to your nostalgic moments, and indeed your life. That’s natsukashii.